Monday, July 23, 2007

Shelley Moore Capito and a big deal of nothing

Hi there!! Enjoying your summer? You should see me, I've got this killer tan. No tan lines either! Wait until you see the pictures. Whoops, that's for facebook, not the sorority site... on to today's topic.

I just don't get why all those meanies keep attack the bestest Republican Congresswoman ever from West Virginia, Shelley Moore Capito. Why are making such a big deal out of nothing? Last week she passed a bill making it really, really hard for illegals to get free housing, that's something.

Capito is so right that free housing is a magnet for poor people from other countries to come to this country. I bet if you are poor in Mexico or some wierd place like that you just can't get free housing like our free housing. Of course you'd want to come here to be poor. Why be poor there when you can be poor here. We have a lot better housing for poor people, don't we?

Hmmm. I'm not super sure on that, 'cause I've never noticed any free poor people housing in West Virginia, but I know if Shelley says its a problem, it must be a realy big problem. It makes sense, right? All that super-great free housing we give people, it must be like a super-duper giant magnet for poor people from all over the world to come be poor people here. I'm sure Bush has been cutting back on it for the last six years but whatever is left, I can almost feel that tingly magnetic feeling myself.

So, I was sunning myself yesterday thinking about this big huge magnet and, gosh darn it, my head started hurting. It made me want to be a poor person so I could get a better apartment. Then I remembered, Tiffany, you don't want to live near poor people, not poor people who cant a speak a english very well and no one from some other countries, either. That would be too icky and wierd.

Now I'm thinking, maybe she didn't go far enough, Ms. Capito with her bill. Then it struck me. Of course, some people said the bill wasn't really necessary. Now, I know how super-duper clever she is. She had to have a good reason to pass a bill that looks like it doesn't do anything. It's all part of the perfrect plan she and Bush have have for turning off that humongous magnet:

Activate twin power #1: Capito passes a bill with some minor change to poor people free housing regulation.... so...

Activate twin power #2: Bush can issue a signing statement with sweeping changes to end free poor people housing as we know it.

Result: say bye-bye to that magnet.

You might think the simpliest thing to do is get rid of free poor people housing completely. It makes sense, they're just poor, not homeless. They'll find somewhere to live. Besides, there's all those church homeless shelters if they get desperate.

BUT, getting rid of free poor people housing completely it just wouldn't be fair to hard-working landlords who have struggled for years to build those beautiful poor people magnets.

Here's the one way to turn off that magnet forever and be fair to rich people, too. I bet this is what Capito and Bush figured out

Just like millionaire farmers are paid up to millions of dollars a year not to plant any crops, we can pay millionaire landlords as much money as they need not to rent to any poor people! No more magnet! No more illegal immigration!

That's why Shelley Moore Capito is the bestest! Cool, my headache is going away... but I kind of miss that tingly feeling.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Lots of people really, really love Rep. Shelley Moore Capito

Our wonderful Republican Representative Shelley Moore Capito is way too modest. A lot of people really love her. I mean, really, really love her. Three people at least!

You can tell they love her. She got contributions from them in January, February and March this year.

Sure, she got a bunch of gifts from PACs, whatever those are... but three gifts were from three good friends who reached out to help make sure West Virginia has the very bestest Republican Representative 4ever!

Strangely, only one of them is from West Virginia, but, never mind that, they all deserve special recognition.

First all there, there is a Mr. Doyle Bartlett in Alexandria, Virginia. This Analyst at the Smith-Free Group gave $490 to Shelley. You go, boy!! One little question, if I may Mr. Bartlett... are you no longer a lobbyist or do you just prefer the title analyst? You should be proud of the great work you do on behalf of clients like these. You make America safe for business.

Tell me, Mr. Doyle, where can I get a cool job like yours?? During the day you direct money to politicians. When you get home, you're paid so well you can direct even more money to the bestest Republican Shelley!!! I want that job!

Next up, someone else who just can't leave their work at home. We are so lucky in West Virginia to have such good out-of-state friends. Mr. Peter Knight is the Director, Government Relations, for the Federal Home Loan Bank of Pittsburgh. He lives in Washington, DC and gave our bestest Republican Representative $250 for doing such a great job. He knows a good Republican Rep. when he sees one!

Finally, Mrs. Connie Payne, a self-described housewife in Charleston, W.Va. contributed $1000 to Capito. Now don't tell anyone, but secretly I'm working on my M.R.S. here at college. I don't want a job like Mr. Bartlett or Mr. Doyle where I take my work home... I'd rather be like Mrs. Payne and just work at home! Of course, I'd have to marry the right guy so I could afford $1000 to donate to Mrs. Capito, too... we all have to do our part to keep the bestest Republican Rep. in office 4ever!

Thank you Mr. Doyle Bartlett of Alexandria Virginia. Good luck with that "analyst" ;-) job. Thank you Mr. Peter Knight. I hope you related with all the governments you need to. Thank you very much Mrs. Connie Payne. May all your days of housewiving be joyous.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Presidential Politics: Shelley, do we support Rudy Giuliani?

First off. Thanks for asking. Yes, exams were tough. Graduation was sooooo exciting, but sad... seeing some Sisters of Shelley leave the comforts of Sigma Mu Capito.

Beach week was a major blast!!! OMG, I met these two guys there who took me to a place I had never---oh, wait, I promised this was a family kind of blog. Anyway, like, I was like so worn out I needed a couple of weeks of rest. Now I'm back online again.

Here at Sigma Mu Capito we're really confused. Shelley Moore Capito hasn't let us know yet who's going to be the next President. We don't know which Republican candidate to go out and support.

Just like us, Shelley is pro-choice. We hear that Rudy Giuliani is pro-choice. I don't care if he's got one of those hard-to-spell names, he's a rich white dude. Maybe he's the one we're going to support?

You can see he's also a big fan of our very bestest President George Bush and the next bestest Vice President Dick Cheney, bless their souls.

Rudy Guiliani has some other things in common with Shelley and us, too. Like, I hear he looks good in a dress.

Please, Shelley, let us know... is Rudy Giuliani our choice for President in 2008?

Friday, April 27, 2007

Shelley Moore Capito disappoints Turbonerd

OMG, OMG, Oh. My. Gawd. This comment is so long it deserves its own post:

Dear Tiffany:

I know it's been barely a week, but I have to admit some disappointment that Rep. Shelley Moore Capito has not responded to your excellent suggestion regarding "Christian Republican Orphan's Club offering Sisterly Helping In Time" (C.R.O.C.o.S.H.i.T.).

Undoubtedly Rep. Shelley Moore Capito has been busy supporting the resolution to express support for the excellent National Foster Parents Day, and possibly even serious, but icky things like National Crime Victims' Rights Week and National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month (although how, exactly, those expressions of support mesh with your organization's insistence on maintaining standards of flawless physical beauty, as well as regular interaction with fraternity boys besotted with both your looks and copious amounts of alcohol, defy logical explanation. Oh well. Just one more reason why she is Shelley Moore Capito, the bestest Representative from West Virginia ever, and we are not.)

But I wonder if another reason for her non-response to your thoughtful invitation to become a founding founder of C.R.O.C.o.S.H.i.T. is, in fact, that the Supremes' decision relates - properly, of course, in a strict-interpretation sort of way - to only one procedure, and a procedure that Congress made up in order to express the proper level of moral outrage over disgusting, if non-existent, abortion procedures.

The problem being that Justice-for-Life Kennedy's fatwa didn't QUITE outlaw abortions wholesale, just this one extremely rare, possibly mythical, although admittedly gruesome, procedure. For example, aborting a second trimester fetus through dismemberment in the womb is still quite legal, although not as safe as the D&X procedure to which legendary "partial birth abortion" is an homage. So it's not at all clear that the less than one percent of abortions now performed in the second trimester will instantly transmogrify into adoptable babies.

Not to mention that many of those babies would be b-l-a-c-k. While they ARE "colored," it is still MUCH more fashionable to adopt a Chinese baby. (At least for the moment; those "in the know" seem to be indicating that the proper "accessory adoption" locale will be changing soon to India, as those babies already know how to speak English.)

Please do let us know how Rep. Moore Capito responds, as I am quite sure that the bestest ever Representative from West Virginia has many thoughtful and insightful comments about reproductive freedom that are sure to be of interest to a wider audience than just the Sisters of Sigma Mu Capito - not that I don't love you all, in a Biblically-approved way. (I would say "platonic" but that has the whiff of Greekiness to it, and you know what Leviticus says about that.)

Best regards, Turbonerd!

I think Turbonerd is sweet on me. :) :) Too bad for the icky name of TurboNerd, there goes an invite to the May Formal. Why do all the guys with three syllable words have to be such major geeks?

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Spring Fund-Raiser: "Christian Republican Orphan's Club offering Sisterly Helping In Time"

Capito kids check

Dear Rep. Shelley Moore Civility Capito, the very bestest fastest Republican West Virginia Congresswoman ever!

The Sisters of Shelley here at Sigmu Mu Capito are planning our Spring Fund Raising drive. Did you hear the news today?

It gave us all sorts of super new fund-raising ideas. The supremely super Supreme Court just overturned the judicial activism of all previous courts. Now, we're more like pro-choice Republicans ourselves but if the leader of your party, our dear President George W(onderful) Bush appointed those decisive Justices they must know what they're doing.

Back to our fund-raising: with the safest late-term abortion methods illegal, it's only right to start planning somewhere for those poor babies to grow up. We're pleased to announce:

"Christian Republican Orphan's Club offering
Sisterly Helping In Time"

The C.R.O.C. o. S.H.I.T. (for short) is just the place for an unwanted baby to call home after his or her mother dies in a complicated childbirth.

Next we thought, we need a spokeswoman? Duh?!? Of course! You're the perfect spokeswoman for a C.R.O.C. o. S.H.I.T. Like Pres. George W(onderful) Bush you're a compassionate Christian. What makes you perfect: you're pro-choice, too!

Worthy charity: check. Perfect spokeswoman: check. Next problem: where to get money...

This is where the news turned from good to great to excellent to superb to stupendous (or was it stupendous to superb... whatever). We know your campaign makes donations to charity from time to time. There was that Tom Delay money you gave to one charity and that Bob Ney money you gave to another... imagine our amazement when we saw this news:

His chief of staff abruptly resigned last Friday, now that lingering FBI investigation is heating up, we're thinking pretty soon now you might be making another donation?!

Here's our modest proposal: when you offload the $2000 Rep. John Doolittle gave your campaign, will you keep our C.R.O.C. o. S.H.I.T. in mind? After all, what better way to serve penance for our Republican Party's undermining of pro-choice policies?

Signed with sisterly love (though not in a Cheney sort of way),

Tiff' and all the Sisters of Shelley
Sigma Mu Capito Fund-Raising Committee For
Christian Republican Orphan's Club offering Sisterly Helping In Time

p.s. That good man Tom Delay has been touring the country selling his book. We haven't bought a copy because your name isn't in the index. Should we get a copy for the Sigma Mu Capito library anyway? After all, he's been so generous over the years--giving you more money than anyone else in all of Congress. Let us know. Hugs and (air) kisses.

p.p.s. Pretty please with a full cherry on top, please make that donation. You could be a huge help in filling this C.R.O.C. o. S.H.I.T.

Saturday, April 7, 2007

Shelley Moore Capito, can you resurrect dead elephants?

It is sown in corruption; it is raised in incorruption.

Dear Rep. Shelley Moore Capito (the greatest Republican Congresswoman ever from West Virginia!!),

Once again, we turn to you for help. I found that really un-civil image with the bible verse and dead elephant on the web today.

The Sisters of Shelley are worried. They think being a Republican ain't that popular anymore. We've never been all that fond of minorities--we'd hate to become one.

Just like you, that darling Monica Goodling obviously loves America's Top Lawyer, the good A.G. A.G. (AG AG, cute, huh, ?).

The good-est godliest Goodling told AG AG himself: "May God bless you richly as you continue your service to America." We couldn't have said it better ourselves! Ms. Goodling must have quit on Good Friday so she can devote all of her energies to defending him.

Please tell us you've got a magic formula to keep the elephant alive. We're not going to become a minority are we? The right will be all right, right? Right?

With deep affection (but not in a Ms. Cheney-sort of way) we are your slightly concerned and ever blessing,

Sisters of Shelley
Sigma Mu Capito

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Jesus General, we're all Christian here, don't get any ideas

Dearest Jesus General,

The Sisterhood of Shelley is truly honored and flattered by your expression of affection. As a leader of the Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution you are a Great American. So, we really hate to get all prickly about this...

Our mother's raised us as good Christian girls. Thanks to our brother's and father's we know how to be good Christian woman, too. What exactly did you mean "it's a good thing you're a Mormon"?

I heard Karl Rove is one, just like that handsome Mitt Romney fellow, so being Mormon must be okay and all. Still, we heard something about sister wives. Just to set the record straight, we are all mostly spoken for. [Phew, that was awkward.]

With greatest affection in a most Christian sisterly kind of way,

The Sisterhood of Shelley
Sigma Mu Capito

p.s. Do you have a daughter? How about a niece? We'd love for her to rush SMC!! Maybe a son? The Spring formal is coming up... hint, hint. :D

p.p.s. We just learned those horrible meanie liberocrats at West Virginia Blue are already trying to raise money against Shelley Moore Capito. P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C. They don't even have a candidate and they think they can still get people to contribute.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Rep. Shelley Moore Capito, We're Desperatively Seeking Civility Advice

Representative Shelley Moore Capito
Leader and Founder, Congressional Civility Caucus
Past President, Young Women's Christian Association

Dear Representative Shelley Moore "Civility" Capito,

I'm tickled red that you've just held your first Civility Hour. Don't feel too bad about how it went, we threw a party once, too, that no one showed up for. [Those damn Rho Chi Byrd's scheduled a party at the same time on purpose... but that's another story.] All those other stupid Congresspeople aren't really worth having as friends any way!

Even if those sorry people don't appreciate the sacrifices you make for this nation, the Sisters of Shelley really do. Never give up, Sen. Feingold had a bill where he was the only person supporting it a year ago and it passed the Senate just this week. In this great country, when your Dad's been a Governor and Congressperson, anything is possible!

The Civility Hour is yet one more amazing public service you provide us all. After I heard Ms. Manner's might be a liberal, I've no one to ask for civility advice. Pretty please, with a cherry on top, can you help answer a few questions?

1. My Mom says it's wrong for Dad to say "heck" at the dinner table. Now, my Dad isn't the most worldly guy--he hasn't spent time time in jail yet like your Dad has, but I love Dad anyway. I say, what the hell, it's Dad's house and he should be able to say "heck" whenever he wants. What do you think? Is Mom or Dad more right?

2. If a government employee is a "non-career" employee, are they still a Civil Servant? Our dear President George Bush's appointment in charge of all of the people's pencil's, paper, buildings and contracts--Lurita Doan, the head honcho of the Government Services Administration--paid a visit to Congress this week. She gave one of those poor confused Democrat Congresspeople some help when he lost his dictionary.

Rep. Bruce Bailey - "You're familiar with what the word target means.. right?"
Lurita Doan - "I think we could say that I'm one now."

I tried that on a professor during a lecture this morning--he told me to stop being sarcastic. I said, "I'm just being a Civil Servant." Was I civil enough?

3. I know the President, Vice-President, Defense Secretary and at least half the Supreme Court justices work really hard work (we know which ones!). They've got millions of kids looking up to them as role models. They've got all those decisions to make. There's so many bad people they protect us from. President Bush doesn't say so any more, but I remember Presidenting is really hard work.

The Sister's of Capito have a little game going (no gambling, of course, we're not the State of West Virginia selling lottery tickets or anything!). We need your help to know who is the most civil of them all doing these hard jobs?

a. President George Bush's one-finger victory salute?
Bush obscene gesture

b. Vice President Dick Cheney, offering anatomically impossible self-exercise advice to a US Senator?

c. Justice Scalia, cleaning off the bottom of his chin in a Boston cathedral?
Scalia obscene gesture
d. Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld giving Sadaam Hussein an really firm handshake?
Rumsfield obscene gesture

Please, please let us know soon, we've got some bets scores to settle.

Lovingly yours (in a most sisterly kind of way possible),

Tiffany, Social Chair
Sigma Mu Capito

p.s. Sister Moorene came up with a slogan for your Civility Caucus: "The only thing worse than civil war is an uncivil war". We hope you like LOVE it!

Wednesday, March 21, 2007 doesn't understand Shelley Moore Capito's power


The Sisters of Sigma Mu Capito are very concerned about your new Pre-Season Power Rankings. Before you advertise it too heavily, we want to point out that something has gone really wrong with the new ranking system.

There is just no possible way that the bestest Republican Representative from West Virginia, the supremely marvelous Shelley Moore Capito, ranks 421st out of 439 members. Why, you even rank her as 185th out of 202 Republicans in Congress. Really, though, the most obvious sign of trouble is putting her dead last (38 of 38) among the Class of 2000.

You folks at have some really wierd ideas about what makes a representative powerful.

Sure, you got the committee appointment thing right. But you also say making media appearances, fund-raising for colleagues, and caucus leadership are all signs of influence. You even think stuff like getting legislation passed through committees, onto the floor, passed in the house, and signed into law are all signs of power.

Before you go too far with these obviously biased set of rankings, please reconsider the important stuff. Which Representative moves the fastest? Rep. Shelley Moore Capito never stops working for West Virginia. We have video proof of her amazing power to move faster than your average representative.

Super Rep. Shelley Moore Capito doesn't waste time doing all that extra stuff other representatives do in Washington. She's busy working here in West Virginia for us.

When she's in Washington, she raises money from her colleagues and gets contributions from PACs so she can go back there again. That's a sign of real power--raising those big money dollars to win re-election. Why don't you count that?

How can you justify such obviously biased rankings. We implore you to reconsider these rankings and come up with ones that put Rep. Shelley Moore Capito where she rightly belongs--well above average.


Sigmu Mu Capito, The Sistershood of Shelley

p.s. We may have found another problem with your ranking. In her profile, you some how neglected to include Shelley Capito's powerful position on the Page Board. Did you leave that out of her ranking, too? That will boost her power rating up quite a bit, won't it?

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Shelley Moore Capito Loves America's Top Lawyer

Hi there, Tiffany here! Does GWB look so handsome in blue or what? He's got good taste in his company, too. That's a picture of our beloved Shelley Moore Capito in one of the finest days ever in West Virginia.

There's also a picture of the guy who once was Bush's personal White House lawyer. President George W. Bush is so generous, he gave Gonazles to all of us. Attorney General Gonazles is now the most important lawyer in the world. He represent everybody in the United States.

You know, I feel really sorry for the poor people with Representatives worse than Shelley Moore Capito. [Not the poor people too lazy to work, the unfortunate citizens with bad Reps! ;D]

There's some really pitiful folks in Ohio, NC and Alabama right now:

But two more congressional Republicans urged Bush to dismiss Gonzales, and other Bush loyalists cooled their support for him.

Rep. Paul Gillmor, R-Ohio, said Gonzales "has become a lightning rod and has distracted from the mission of the Department of Justice. Given the totality of the circumstances, I think it would be better for the president and the department if the attorney general were to step down."

Rep. Walter Jones, R-N.C., wrote to Bush warning that if Gonzales allowed politicization of the Justice Department, "then our nation's law enforcement officers will lose the trust of the American people."

Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Ala., a former U.S. attorney and attorney general of his home state, told National Public Radio that while he always considered Gonzales a straight-shooter, if it turned out that he'd deliberately misled Congress, "I think he will be out of there."

The Sisters of Shelley are really concerned. We may make a road trip to console the brothers of Phi Gamma Gillmor.

There must be a good reason for anything Gonzales did. After all, President Bush named Gonzales Attorney General because he is a fine, upstanding, honest, brilliant lawyer capable of defending freedom, justice and liberty for the Sigma Mu Shelley (and the rest of US).

Thank God, West Virginia has Shelley Moore Capito. Even if she did think deceiving Congress was a bad idea, she's loyal enough to the President she woudn't complain about it.

Welcome to the Party!!

Let's get this party started! This is the place to be.

We are the sisters of Shelley Sigma Mu Capito, a social/political/whatever sorority. We love Shelley. We think Shelley Moore Capito is the bestest politican there is since George W. Bush himself.

Chillin' around the dorm we wondered, are there any fanblogs for West Virginia's Republican Representative? So we went looking. The French must have invaded the state. All we can find are dirty bloggers reporting not very nice things about Rep. Shelley Moore Capito.

She's such a nice woman, why would people do that? Whatever. We're taking care of it. From now on, this is the place to be for all Shelley all the time.

Shelley, Shelley, Shelley, Shelley, Shelley. We love Shelley. Your the bestest, better than all the restest. [Like that one, I came up with it! :D :D ]

As our favorite drinking song goes...
Shelley Moore Capito is the best
She's so much better than all the rest
Where liberals fear to tread
Our favorite moderate forges without dread,
That's why she's got so much cred!

Try it sometime, I promise you'll enjoy moore drinks , too.