Shelley Moore Capito, can you resurrect dead elephants?

Dear Rep. Shelley Moore Capito (the greatest Republican Congresswoman ever from West Virginia!!),

Once again, we turn to you for help. I found that really un-civil image with the bible verse and dead elephant on the web today.

The Sisters of Shelley are worried. They think being a Republican ain't that popular anymore. We've never been all that fond of minorities--we'd hate to become one.

Just like you, that darling Monica Goodling obviously loves America's Top Lawyer, the good A.G. A.G. (AG AG, cute, huh, ?).

The good-est godliest Goodling told AG AG himself: "May God bless you richly as you continue your service to America." We couldn't have said it better ourselves! Ms. Goodling must have quit on Good Friday so she can devote all of her energies to defending him.

Please tell us you've got a magic formula to keep the elephant alive. We're not going to become a minority are we? The right will be all right, right? Right?

With deep affection (but not in a Ms. Cheney-sort of way) we are your slightly concerned and ever blessing,

Sisters of Shelley
Sigma Mu Capito

Rep. Shelley Moore Capito, We're Desperatively Seeking Civility Advice

Representative Shelley Moore Capito
Leader and Founder, Congressional Civility Caucus
Past President, Young Women's Christian Association

Dear Representative Shelley Moore "Civility" Capito,

I'm tickled red that you've just held your first Civility Hour. Don't feel too bad about how it went, we threw a party once, too, that no one showed up for. [Those damn Rho Chi Byrd's scheduled a party at the same time on purpose... but that's another story.] All those other stupid Congresspeople aren't really worth having as friends any way!

Even if those sorry people don't appreciate the sacrifices you make for this nation, the Sisters of Shelley really do. Never give up, Sen. Feingold had a bill where he was the only person supporting it a year ago and it passed the Senate just this week. In this great country, when your Dad's been a Governor and Congressperson, anything is possible!

The Civility Hour is yet one more amazing public service you provide us all. After I heard Ms. Manner's might be a liberal, I've no one to ask for civility advice. Pretty please, with a cherry on top, can you help answer a few questions?

1. My Mom says it's wrong for Dad to say "heck" at the dinner table. Now, my Dad isn't the most worldly guy--he hasn't spent time time in jail yet like your Dad has, but I love Dad anyway. I say, what the hell, it's Dad's house and he should be able to say "heck" whenever he wants. What do you think? Is Mom or Dad more right?

2. If a government employee is a "non-career" employee, are they still a Civil Servant? Our dear President George Bush's appointment in charge of all of the people's pencil's, paper, buildings and contracts--Lurita Doan, the head honcho of the Government Services Administration--paid a visit to Congress this week. She gave one of those poor confused Democrat Congresspeople some help when he lost his dictionary.

Rep. Bruce Bailey - "You're familiar with what the word target means.. right?"
Lurita Doan - "I think we could say that I'm one now."

I tried that on a professor during a lecture this morning--he told me to stop being sarcastic. I said, "I'm just being a Civil Servant." Was I civil enough?

3. I know the President, Vice-President, Defense Secretary and at least half the Supreme Court justices work really hard work (we know which ones!). They've got millions of kids looking up to them as role models. They've got all those decisions to make. There's so many bad people they protect us from. President Bush doesn't say so any more, but I remember Presidenting is really hard work.

The Sister's of Capito have a little game going (no gambling, of course, we're not the State of West Virginia selling lottery tickets or anything!). We need your help to know who is the most civil of them all doing these hard jobs?

a. President George Bush's one-finger victory salute?

b. Vice President Dick Cheney, offering anatomically impossible self-exercise advice to a US Senator?

c. Justice Scalia, cleaning off the bottom of his chin in a Boston cathedral?

d. Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld giving Sadaam Hussein an really firm handshake?


Please, please let us know soon, we've got some bets scores to settle.

Lovingly yours (in a most sisterly kind of way possible),

Tiffany, Social Chair
Sigma Mu Capito

p.s. Sister Moorene came up with a slogan for your Civility Caucus: "The only thing worse than civil war is an uncivil war". We hope you like LOVE it!