Friday, April 27, 2007

Shelley Moore Capito disappoints Turbonerd

OMG, OMG, Oh. My. Gawd. This comment is so long it deserves its own post:

Dear Tiffany:

I know it's been barely a week, but I have to admit some disappointment that Rep. Shelley Moore Capito has not responded to your excellent suggestion regarding "Christian Republican Orphan's Club offering Sisterly Helping In Time" (C.R.O.C.o.S.H.i.T.).

Undoubtedly Rep. Shelley Moore Capito has been busy supporting the resolution to express support for the excellent National Foster Parents Day, and possibly even serious, but icky things like National Crime Victims' Rights Week and National Sexual Assault Awareness and Prevention Month (although how, exactly, those expressions of support mesh with your organization's insistence on maintaining standards of flawless physical beauty, as well as regular interaction with fraternity boys besotted with both your looks and copious amounts of alcohol, defy logical explanation. Oh well. Just one more reason why she is Shelley Moore Capito, the bestest Representative from West Virginia ever, and we are not.)

But I wonder if another reason for her non-response to your thoughtful invitation to become a founding founder of C.R.O.C.o.S.H.i.T. is, in fact, that the Supremes' decision relates - properly, of course, in a strict-interpretation sort of way - to only one procedure, and a procedure that Congress made up in order to express the proper level of moral outrage over disgusting, if non-existent, abortion procedures.

The problem being that Justice-for-Life Kennedy's fatwa didn't QUITE outlaw abortions wholesale, just this one extremely rare, possibly mythical, although admittedly gruesome, procedure. For example, aborting a second trimester fetus through dismemberment in the womb is still quite legal, although not as safe as the D&X procedure to which legendary "partial birth abortion" is an homage. So it's not at all clear that the less than one percent of abortions now performed in the second trimester will instantly transmogrify into adoptable babies.

Not to mention that many of those babies would be b-l-a-c-k. While they ARE "colored," it is still MUCH more fashionable to adopt a Chinese baby. (At least for the moment; those "in the know" seem to be indicating that the proper "accessory adoption" locale will be changing soon to India, as those babies already know how to speak English.)

Please do let us know how Rep. Moore Capito responds, as I am quite sure that the bestest ever Representative from West Virginia has many thoughtful and insightful comments about reproductive freedom that are sure to be of interest to a wider audience than just the Sisters of Sigma Mu Capito - not that I don't love you all, in a Biblically-approved way. (I would say "platonic" but that has the whiff of Greekiness to it, and you know what Leviticus says about that.)

Best regards, Turbonerd!

I think Turbonerd is sweet on me. :) :) Too bad for the icky name of TurboNerd, there goes an invite to the May Formal. Why do all the guys with three syllable words have to be such major geeks?

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Spring Fund-Raiser: "Christian Republican Orphan's Club offering Sisterly Helping In Time"

Capito kids check

Dear Rep. Shelley Moore Civility Capito, the very bestest fastest Republican West Virginia Congresswoman ever!

The Sisters of Shelley here at Sigmu Mu Capito are planning our Spring Fund Raising drive. Did you hear the news today?

It gave us all sorts of super new fund-raising ideas. The supremely super Supreme Court just overturned the judicial activism of all previous courts. Now, we're more like pro-choice Republicans ourselves but if the leader of your party, our dear President George W(onderful) Bush appointed those decisive Justices they must know what they're doing.

Back to our fund-raising: with the safest late-term abortion methods illegal, it's only right to start planning somewhere for those poor babies to grow up. We're pleased to announce:

"Christian Republican Orphan's Club offering
Sisterly Helping In Time"

The C.R.O.C. o. S.H.I.T. (for short) is just the place for an unwanted baby to call home after his or her mother dies in a complicated childbirth.

Next we thought, we need a spokeswoman? Duh?!? Of course! You're the perfect spokeswoman for a C.R.O.C. o. S.H.I.T. Like Pres. George W(onderful) Bush you're a compassionate Christian. What makes you perfect: you're pro-choice, too!

Worthy charity: check. Perfect spokeswoman: check. Next problem: where to get money...

This is where the news turned from good to great to excellent to superb to stupendous (or was it stupendous to superb... whatever). We know your campaign makes donations to charity from time to time. There was that Tom Delay money you gave to one charity and that Bob Ney money you gave to another... imagine our amazement when we saw this news:

His chief of staff abruptly resigned last Friday, now that lingering FBI investigation is heating up, we're thinking pretty soon now you might be making another donation?!

Here's our modest proposal: when you offload the $2000 Rep. John Doolittle gave your campaign, will you keep our C.R.O.C. o. S.H.I.T. in mind? After all, what better way to serve penance for our Republican Party's undermining of pro-choice policies?

Signed with sisterly love (though not in a Cheney sort of way),

Tiff' and all the Sisters of Shelley
Sigma Mu Capito Fund-Raising Committee For
Christian Republican Orphan's Club offering Sisterly Helping In Time

p.s. That good man Tom Delay has been touring the country selling his book. We haven't bought a copy because your name isn't in the index. Should we get a copy for the Sigma Mu Capito library anyway? After all, he's been so generous over the years--giving you more money than anyone else in all of Congress. Let us know. Hugs and (air) kisses.

p.p.s. Pretty please with a full cherry on top, please make that donation. You could be a huge help in filling this C.R.O.C. o. S.H.I.T.

Saturday, April 7, 2007

Shelley Moore Capito, can you resurrect dead elephants?

It is sown in corruption; it is raised in incorruption.

Dear Rep. Shelley Moore Capito (the greatest Republican Congresswoman ever from West Virginia!!),

Once again, we turn to you for help. I found that really un-civil image with the bible verse and dead elephant on the web today.

The Sisters of Shelley are worried. They think being a Republican ain't that popular anymore. We've never been all that fond of minorities--we'd hate to become one.

Just like you, that darling Monica Goodling obviously loves America's Top Lawyer, the good A.G. A.G. (AG AG, cute, huh, ?).

The good-est godliest Goodling told AG AG himself: "May God bless you richly as you continue your service to America." We couldn't have said it better ourselves! Ms. Goodling must have quit on Good Friday so she can devote all of her energies to defending him.

Please tell us you've got a magic formula to keep the elephant alive. We're not going to become a minority are we? The right will be all right, right? Right?

With deep affection (but not in a Ms. Cheney-sort of way) we are your slightly concerned and ever blessing,

Sisters of Shelley
Sigma Mu Capito