Saturday, March 31, 2007

Jesus General, we're all Christian here, don't get any ideas

Dearest Jesus General,

The Sisterhood of Shelley is truly honored and flattered by your expression of affection. As a leader of the Glorious Conservative Christian Cultural Revolution you are a Great American. So, we really hate to get all prickly about this...

Our mother's raised us as good Christian girls. Thanks to our brother's and father's we know how to be good Christian woman, too. What exactly did you mean "it's a good thing you're a Mormon"?

I heard Karl Rove is one, just like that handsome Mitt Romney fellow, so being Mormon must be okay and all. Still, we heard something about sister wives. Just to set the record straight, we are all mostly spoken for. [Phew, that was awkward.]

With greatest affection in a most Christian sisterly kind of way,

The Sisterhood of Shelley
Sigma Mu Capito

p.s. Do you have a daughter? How about a niece? We'd love for her to rush SMC!! Maybe a son? The Spring formal is coming up... hint, hint. :D

p.p.s. We just learned those horrible meanie liberocrats at West Virginia Blue are already trying to raise money against Shelley Moore Capito. P-A-T-H-E-T-I-C. They don't even have a candidate and they think they can still get people to contribute.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Rep. Shelley Moore Capito, We're Desperatively Seeking Civility Advice

Representative Shelley Moore Capito
Leader and Founder, Congressional Civility Caucus
Past President, Young Women's Christian Association

Dear Representative Shelley Moore "Civility" Capito,

I'm tickled red that you've just held your first Civility Hour. Don't feel too bad about how it went, we threw a party once, too, that no one showed up for. [Those damn Rho Chi Byrd's scheduled a party at the same time on purpose... but that's another story.] All those other stupid Congresspeople aren't really worth having as friends any way!

Even if those sorry people don't appreciate the sacrifices you make for this nation, the Sisters of Shelley really do. Never give up, Sen. Feingold had a bill where he was the only person supporting it a year ago and it passed the Senate just this week. In this great country, when your Dad's been a Governor and Congressperson, anything is possible!

The Civility Hour is yet one more amazing public service you provide us all. After I heard Ms. Manner's might be a liberal, I've no one to ask for civility advice. Pretty please, with a cherry on top, can you help answer a few questions?

1. My Mom says it's wrong for Dad to say "heck" at the dinner table. Now, my Dad isn't the most worldly guy--he hasn't spent time time in jail yet like your Dad has, but I love Dad anyway. I say, what the hell, it's Dad's house and he should be able to say "heck" whenever he wants. What do you think? Is Mom or Dad more right?

2. If a government employee is a "non-career" employee, are they still a Civil Servant? Our dear President George Bush's appointment in charge of all of the people's pencil's, paper, buildings and contracts--Lurita Doan, the head honcho of the Government Services Administration--paid a visit to Congress this week. She gave one of those poor confused Democrat Congresspeople some help when he lost his dictionary.

Rep. Bruce Bailey - "You're familiar with what the word target means.. right?"
Lurita Doan - "I think we could say that I'm one now."

I tried that on a professor during a lecture this morning--he told me to stop being sarcastic. I said, "I'm just being a Civil Servant." Was I civil enough?

3. I know the President, Vice-President, Defense Secretary and at least half the Supreme Court justices work really hard work (we know which ones!). They've got millions of kids looking up to them as role models. They've got all those decisions to make. There's so many bad people they protect us from. President Bush doesn't say so any more, but I remember Presidenting is really hard work.

The Sister's of Capito have a little game going (no gambling, of course, we're not the State of West Virginia selling lottery tickets or anything!). We need your help to know who is the most civil of them all doing these hard jobs?

a. President George Bush's one-finger victory salute?
Bush obscene gesture

b. Vice President Dick Cheney, offering anatomically impossible self-exercise advice to a US Senator?

c. Justice Scalia, cleaning off the bottom of his chin in a Boston cathedral?
Scalia obscene gesture
d. Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld giving Sadaam Hussein an really firm handshake?
Rumsfield obscene gesture

Please, please let us know soon, we've got some bets scores to settle.

Lovingly yours (in a most sisterly kind of way possible),

Tiffany, Social Chair
Sigma Mu Capito

p.s. Sister Moorene came up with a slogan for your Civility Caucus: "The only thing worse than civil war is an uncivil war". We hope you like LOVE it!

Wednesday, March 21, 2007 doesn't understand Shelley Moore Capito's power


The Sisters of Sigma Mu Capito are very concerned about your new Pre-Season Power Rankings. Before you advertise it too heavily, we want to point out that something has gone really wrong with the new ranking system.

There is just no possible way that the bestest Republican Representative from West Virginia, the supremely marvelous Shelley Moore Capito, ranks 421st out of 439 members. Why, you even rank her as 185th out of 202 Republicans in Congress. Really, though, the most obvious sign of trouble is putting her dead last (38 of 38) among the Class of 2000.

You folks at have some really wierd ideas about what makes a representative powerful.

Sure, you got the committee appointment thing right. But you also say making media appearances, fund-raising for colleagues, and caucus leadership are all signs of influence. You even think stuff like getting legislation passed through committees, onto the floor, passed in the house, and signed into law are all signs of power.

Before you go too far with these obviously biased set of rankings, please reconsider the important stuff. Which Representative moves the fastest? Rep. Shelley Moore Capito never stops working for West Virginia. We have video proof of her amazing power to move faster than your average representative.

Super Rep. Shelley Moore Capito doesn't waste time doing all that extra stuff other representatives do in Washington. She's busy working here in West Virginia for us.

When she's in Washington, she raises money from her colleagues and gets contributions from PACs so she can go back there again. That's a sign of real power--raising those big money dollars to win re-election. Why don't you count that?

How can you justify such obviously biased rankings. We implore you to reconsider these rankings and come up with ones that put Rep. Shelley Moore Capito where she rightly belongs--well above average.


Sigmu Mu Capito, The Sistershood of Shelley

p.s. We may have found another problem with your ranking. In her profile, you some how neglected to include Shelley Capito's powerful position on the Page Board. Did you leave that out of her ranking, too? That will boost her power rating up quite a bit, won't it?

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Shelley Moore Capito Loves America's Top Lawyer

Hi there, Tiffany here! Does GWB look so handsome in blue or what? He's got good taste in his company, too. That's a picture of our beloved Shelley Moore Capito in one of the finest days ever in West Virginia.

There's also a picture of the guy who once was Bush's personal White House lawyer. President George W. Bush is so generous, he gave Gonazles to all of us. Attorney General Gonazles is now the most important lawyer in the world. He represent everybody in the United States.

You know, I feel really sorry for the poor people with Representatives worse than Shelley Moore Capito. [Not the poor people too lazy to work, the unfortunate citizens with bad Reps! ;D]

There's some really pitiful folks in Ohio, NC and Alabama right now:

But two more congressional Republicans urged Bush to dismiss Gonzales, and other Bush loyalists cooled their support for him.

Rep. Paul Gillmor, R-Ohio, said Gonzales "has become a lightning rod and has distracted from the mission of the Department of Justice. Given the totality of the circumstances, I think it would be better for the president and the department if the attorney general were to step down."

Rep. Walter Jones, R-N.C., wrote to Bush warning that if Gonzales allowed politicization of the Justice Department, "then our nation's law enforcement officers will lose the trust of the American people."

Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Ala., a former U.S. attorney and attorney general of his home state, told National Public Radio that while he always considered Gonzales a straight-shooter, if it turned out that he'd deliberately misled Congress, "I think he will be out of there."

The Sisters of Shelley are really concerned. We may make a road trip to console the brothers of Phi Gamma Gillmor.

There must be a good reason for anything Gonzales did. After all, President Bush named Gonzales Attorney General because he is a fine, upstanding, honest, brilliant lawyer capable of defending freedom, justice and liberty for the Sigma Mu Shelley (and the rest of US).

Thank God, West Virginia has Shelley Moore Capito. Even if she did think deceiving Congress was a bad idea, she's loyal enough to the President she woudn't complain about it.

Welcome to the Party!!

Let's get this party started! This is the place to be.

We are the sisters of Shelley Sigma Mu Capito, a social/political/whatever sorority. We love Shelley. We think Shelley Moore Capito is the bestest politican there is since George W. Bush himself.

Chillin' around the dorm we wondered, are there any fanblogs for West Virginia's Republican Representative? So we went looking. The French must have invaded the state. All we can find are dirty bloggers reporting not very nice things about Rep. Shelley Moore Capito.

She's such a nice woman, why would people do that? Whatever. We're taking care of it. From now on, this is the place to be for all Shelley all the time.

Shelley, Shelley, Shelley, Shelley, Shelley. We love Shelley. Your the bestest, better than all the restest. [Like that one, I came up with it! :D :D ]

As our favorite drinking song goes...
Shelley Moore Capito is the best
She's so much better than all the rest
Where liberals fear to tread
Our favorite moderate forges without dread,
That's why she's got so much cred!

Try it sometime, I promise you'll enjoy moore drinks , too.